The Sweetsong of the Ladydove - Part XI

Chapter 18
The world was coasting, now, as the Messiah’s followers spread his words to the rest of humanity.
Again, I tried as much as possible to help this people to be as good as they could possibly be. But I still had to bring about some tragedies to avoid greater evils.
However, I did have many rewarding experiences: One time, I came across a woman who was cross-eyed. She was a bit beyond marrying age, and still single. No man would have anything to do with her, but she was absolutely beautiful in every other way. As well, she was spiritual, virtuous, charitable to everyone, and she lived her religion well. She always seemed sad, and I imagined it to be because she thought herself unattractive. Her name was Santra, and she usually hung her head slightly.
One day, I came to her as a man her age. I walked right up to her. She had been walking, and tried to move around me, not looking me in the eye. But I moved in front of her again, and said, “Lovely day, my good Dene!”
She mumbled a quiet yes, and continued on.
I fell in beside her, and said, “I’ve noticed you walking these parts, lately, and I perceive that perhaps you could use some company.”
She smiled briefly, and flashed an even quicker look at me, then looked down again. “I’m just fine, thank you.”
I then said, “Maybe I should re-phrase that: I’ve seen you walking these parts, and felt that I am need of your company.”
She ducked her head, exhaled a silent laugh of only air, and said, “I’m not very good company.”
“Why not?”
She stopped and looked squarely at me, lifting her head. The gesture reminded me of a regal stance, though I’m sure she did not intend that. She then said tenderly, but with firm quietness, “Would you like to venture a guess?”
I looked at her eyes, thought a minute, then said, “I think it’s coming to me; give me a minute. I know! . . .” I then showed her my shirt. “You don’t like keeping company with men dressed in brown!”
She laughed more freely, now, but it was still a quiet one. She said, “Thank you; you are a nice man. But I have to go, now.” She turned to go.
I said to her sincerely, “You are among the most beautiful women I have ever met; even more lovely than the Holy Mother, in my opinion.”
She looked at me with surprise as I continued, “But before I say another word, I have to tell you that I am a spirit, and will never be able to be with you. But were it possible, I would want to spend every minute with you.”
I backed away, for I saw that she was looking me over to check out my claim, and I felt that she might venture to touch me, as well. Were she to touch me, and not feel me, she would probably go into some type of shock. I stopped at a comfortable distance and said, “Do not touch me, for you will not feel me. But listen to this: “When you laughed? Do that more often to the men you like, and pick from the best kind, for you deserve it. A smile and a laugh is 90 percent of beauty, and you’re 99 percent there, even with your eyes.
“And one more thing: Try going around with your head held higher, but with a smile, as if you knew a secret about each guy who looks at you. That smile will make the guys do a double-take. Your secret smile will intrigue them. They will want to check you out. Nothing brings off a good attraction like a smile, especially the kind you can bring off. But do it to the good guys who are rich and spiritual. You deserve the best; there’s no question about that.”
I turned to go, walked a few feet, then turned back briefly to say, “I am not sent by Eldu; I am doing this, because I am taken in by the exquisitely fine grace and charm you demonstrate.” I paused, then said, “I’ll come back again, to check on your progress. And remember, there are many men out there who will be attracted to you -- as a person -- just as I am.” Just then, I turned away and caused myself to disappear while darting behind a bush. Disappearing like this was less traumatic for people.
The woman stepped up to the bush, looked around, and beyond. I could see and feel that she was in awe. After she soaked it all in, she moved away thoughtfully.
Now there was the slightest grin on her face. Since then, she smiled more, and looked at people more squarely. Eventually, she learned to laugh, even to strangers, and new male friends. A few had asked for time with her, and from those, she picked the more virtuous.
I came to her again, one day, standing at a distance, and called her name. She looked up with a start, took in a breath, then said, almost out of air because of the surprise, “It’s you!”
I said, “I see you’ve been practicing what I was preaching.”
She smiled sweetly. “Yes; and I am so happy! I am greatly indebted to you!”
I responded, “Just keep doing the good you have started, and that will even up the debt.”
She asked humbly, with a bit of awe, “What kind of angel are you?”
“I don’t know if I’m an angel. I’m one that has died, and my spirit has remained here, for some reason. Maybe for this; to help people like you.”
“What is your name?”
“Just call me . . . . Hannejan of the Eternities.”

Thus, I helped people to fill their potentials, and I inspired them to greater heights. I couldn’t stand to see them suffer, without hope of a reprieve. Occasionally, I came as a woman to show certain unfortunate men that they were attractive, or that their inner self was more important to women. I helped people who were overweight, people who limped, people who could not talk well because of tongue or teeth disorders, people who had deformed hands or eyes, and even people who were quite ugly, yet very virtuous.
I knew there had to be men who loved “ugly” women, for I was one of them in a few of my worlds, and I saw it happen around me, as well. A certain “plain” but virtuous woman who smiled sweetly at me sent me much higher than a photogenic one who thought only of herself.
It was rewarding to see my subjects change, to watch their personality and life light up and improve.

While I was doing this, I also began and executed a program to wipe out the Order of the Aiten. Quanzak had seen to protecting it so its members could kill him. But now, according to my calculations and perceptions, it was no longer needed. It was time to set the world on a straight and noble course.
Now that Quanzak’s execution seemed a success to them, the Order of the Aiten was gaining courage sufficient -- or the audacity -- to sweep through the system and do away with anyone who stood in their path to gain world control. Their plans were complex and iron-clad. But by now I had many helpers on my side in spirit form, and we also were recruiting more and more mortals to help us. We knew which mortals were not corrupt or susceptible to the offer of power from the Aiten, so we used them to trap, accuse and try the perpetrators.
Often, we waited until the higher-ups were involved, so we could cause them to be caught in the act, with a generous supply of witnesses. Giving constant attention to this project, we essentially and effectively diffused and wiped out the Aiten. Included in our victory was the execution of those directly responsible for the death of Priegan’s Messiah.

As far as more global trends, my calculations and subsequent actions were almost automatic, these days; I was now very experienced in this art, and my associates were improving as well. Everything came together smoothly, as we all participated in not only the collection of information and data, but also the temptations and whisperings.

As I’ve mentioned before, my senses were greatly heightened while in the spirit.
One day, I thought I heard a dove singing a familiar song, and I instinctively approached it. I had been many miles away from it, but I didn’t take long to arrive so I could hear it’s second offer.
I found myself in the moonflower glen, just as the ladydove sang her second special sweetsong!
I floated in awed silence as she sang out even another.
In a few moments, the ladydove found her mate, and they went away together.
I stayed behind, watching the spot, watching the water in the distant morning light, watching the lone island in that bay, feeling its loneliness. The shrubbery and trees between me and the rising sun glowed with linings of gold, silver and a brilliant greenish ochre. The nightwings were not there, but I saw them, just as I had seen them during the happiest moments of my entire existence while with Teerliaka. In my mind, they made their thin clouds of white sparks as they lazily moved above the flowers of the glen.
And I cried.
There were times that I thought that I could endure Hell. But now, I began to imagine that Hell was different for each person, depending on their experience, or their fears. And it occurred to me that perhaps this was my Hell: being this close to the memory of Teerliaka, coming in contact with those feelings again, and knowing I couldn’t consummate the love caused by all those feelings, all the wonder, all the magic, all the exquisite promises of happiness, all the fantasies of joy and pleasure, all the power and satisfaction that only two people -- being together and in love -- can produce.
It felt a tragedy that I could not simply tell Lenazuree that I loved her more than self; that she was a force greater than what created her. It felt a tragedy that I could not share her feelings, her sorrows, her joys, her simple pleasures. It felt a tragedy that we could never interact by means other than words: with a nod, a wink, a smile, the movement of a finger, the taking in of a breath, the delivery of a gift, the inciting of a laugh, a simple touch, a helping hand.
Love had evaded me for all eternity. I always had trouble defining it.
Now I knew what love was; and now that I knew, I couldn’t show it.
This -- combined with such powerful stimuli as the sweetsong of the ladydove -- is what caused me torture, an exquisite torture worse than any imagined Hell by the most gifted of diviners!

Service!
One way to make Loss more bearable is to give dedicated service.
Another 800 years passed as I buried myself in the service of the Caprinians. I honed the Priegans into a righteous people. But I had to continue my evil tricks as well, faithfully playing the part of a true devil, such as causing plagues or famines, in order to humble the people and cause them to turn back to their creator. My calculations or predictions on the level of their increased benevolence and charity following such disasters or pandemics were still amazingly accurate, and almost automatic, especially with the help of my associates.
By now, through my dedicated service, the Priegans were more spiritual than they had ever been, not counting the pre-fall conditions, although their spiritual strength was stronger in the sense that experience backed up their convictions. They knew how to take care of themselves, now. And they knew how to differentiate evil from progress. They had become wise, mature, humble, charitable, intelligent, industrial, longsuffering . . . and creative.
Near the beginning of this narrative I reflected on how a society fallen from innocence can more easily develop creativity. I had mentioned how some societies had developed such unique customs through the use of their souls and experience, that the results were nothing short of amazing and beautiful. Well, the Priegans were no less adept in this area: they, without my help, had developed many creative and lovely traditions, arts and stories through other means than by talking or writing.
One such was an art form that started with the development of specific shapes in small trees or shrubbery. The art branched into a genre that included a human form. The average size was about two feet high. After a few hundred years of causing an interaction between the vegetation and the human figures, the human model developed hinges. At first, the model was poseable, and many interesting variations were employed. Lately, though, the vegetation was changed and bred to develop fine vines. These vines became the muscles and tendons of the figures. Holes were bored into the wooden body parts, and projections were added to the bones or joints to give the vines something to grab so they could push or pull.
The next stage was an innovation that brought global attention to the art form. Joint movement was inhibited in the same way a human’s joints were built, to be able to introduce a new concept: autonomy. As the vines grew, the human figure changed its position at the mercy of the plants, but not to the point of excessive contortion. The artists could control this movement to some degree, but they often let the plant do its own work. This brought unexpected results, but usually pleasing and astounding. A photograph was taken of these sculptures every few hours, and the people later enjoyed watching the animated progression of a statue, or of a male-female pair as they danced, or fought, or interacted in some other way.
Other animals or man-made objects were included in the genre, widening the appeal of this hobby.
As time progressed, certain “dolls” were sold with a “pedigree,” which were the animated archives of the behavior of the sculptures up to the point in time in which they were sold. This art form became one of the major contributors to the economy.

All my calculations were indicating it was time for the Priegan Savior to step in and be their king.
In another 12 years it happened:
The mountains began to turn white -- pure white. On closer observation you could see that angels were gathering, shoulder-to-shoulder, file upon file. Millions, even billions were covering every square foot of the mountains. When those were filled up, ranks of angels began to appear in the skies, making it look like thin tiers of white balconies, one on top of another, until you had trimmed clouds skimming the tops of the mountains -- clouds that glowed.
Then, angels began to dot the earth, one every ten feet in the empty spaces. When you looked closely at an angel, she was smiling in happy anticipation of something she could hardly contain herself over. Still more angels entered each household, announcing that the time has arrived, and to come out and meet their Messiah.
When the angels had stopped gathering, there was silence. Nothing moved, and a great peace was felt. It seemed the silence was in place to await those in their houses who had to finish up some complex or essential task before they could present themselves.
After a silence that seemed an eternity, a glow of glittering colors of light that exceeded the known spectrum pulsed from behind the mountains.
The angels on the mountains took in a collective breath, then sang, in the loudest chorus to date, “Shout, ye mountains, the glory of the coming!” The angels in the sky sang, “Sing, ye clouds, the brightness of his love!” The angels on the ground sang, “Bow to earth in reverence of Grace,” then all of them sang, “The Lord is descending from above.”
The light behind the mountains grew until it gave birth to legions of glowing angels, each blowing a trump to the tune of the singing angels. Some of the trumpets were made of gold, others of a what looked like diamonds. Some were made of a transparent material that almost let you see the vibration of the air in them. There appeared to be more of these trumpeters than all the angels who had previously gathered!
Then, the light produced broiling clouds, churning in even more strange colors that crackled like lightening and more brilliantly. The earth trembled, and the deepest of rumbling sounds spoke the words, “At long last, you have again graced my face with your presence.”
Finally, a blinding light that you could feel broke from the broiling clouds, and in the middle of it was Quanzak.
It is amazing how bright a light can get, while still allowing you to see the source of it. It is also amazing that the source can be a hundred times brighter than the light emanating from it. Finally, it is amazing how our bodies -- spirit or otherwise -- were prepared to endure this light without withering instantly into x-rays, as they well should have, considering the power behind it all.

Chapter 19
I would like to continue describing the amazing things that happened after that, but the most gifted of writers would treat it unfairly.
The thing that concerns us in this story, is that shortly after this glorious event, I found myself in front of the Creator, Eldu, in all his glory. I don’t remember where I was, or how I got there, but there I was.
I was so surprised that he was before me, that I could not speak, and the dread of his curse upon me made me uneasy.
He said, “Thank you, Hannejan, for preparing this world for the coming of my son. Your efforts were admirable. You were remarkably noble, and you demonstrated advanced kindness beyond expectation. You may now go to your reward.”
About all I could get out, was, “My . . . reward?”
He pointed to an area of space that was to his left. “There. Go between the two brightest stars in that circle, and continue until this family of galaxies is no longer visible. Near the end, you will receive instruction for the rest of your journey. If you lose your way, angels will direct you.”
I had to have him be more specific: “So does my good behavior exonerate me from the curse you gave me?”
He said, “I am Eternal, making my punishment Eternal. Go, therefore, to your reward.”
I looked down. “How can it be considered a reward, if your punishment stands?”
“A reward can be good or evil, depending on the fruits harvested.”
The next thing I knew, I was alone in space, with no planet around me. I found myself looking at that circle of stars that Eldu had shown me.
I looked at it, and contemplated my journey. Eldu had said I should go until I couldn’t see these galaxies around me. In other words, something 15 or 20 billion light years across was to become a tiny dot, and that, far enough away to disappear. I determined that to mean I was going a very, very long ways away.
I wasn’t sure I wanted to go a . . . very, very long ways away.
I felt lonely enough here, even with all this around me.
What was waiting for me out there?
After a long time, a thought entered my head: If I could find my way out there, then I could find my way back, if I didn’t like it.
But perhaps I would like it. Eldu did say that I would some day understand and accept my reward.
I turned away from the circle of stars, and began wandering. Shortly, an angel with a fiery sword in his hand was floating in my path, looking straight at me. He was fearsome looking, having with him all the body language, colors and attire that can definitely intimidate. I looked at him and his sword and asked, “Are you actually planning on using that against me?”
He replied, “You mock an angel of God in believing we do not act with purpose. Therefore, this sword will indeed be used against you, and you will suffer a thousand days under its curse.” With that, he pointed his sword at me. A glittering light burst from the sword and surrounded me, lingered for a few moments, then faded.
I didn’t feel anything. I looked at him, waiting for him to tell me what he did, but he said nothing. After a few moments, he said, “Continue, now, in the direction you were shown. If you avoid your destiny, you will have even fewer choices than what you have now.”
I made a few more mental checks regarding my personal and immediate welfare. Finding nothing amiss, but somehow having an increased respect for angels and their swords, I turned away, while saying, “Yes, Sir, I’m . . . . I am now wanting nothing else but to venture out into the cold, dark abyss!”

I saw that I must go to investigate “my reward.” I believed what that angel said, and I certainly wasn’t in a position to lose any choices.
So I set out toward the circle of stars.
At first, nothing happened. Or nothing seemed to happen. It seemed I was only going the speed of light. When I willed an even faster speed, I felt that I achieved it. But the circle of stars still wasn’t coming any closer. I continued willing a constant acceleration. I saw no neighboring bodies or angels around me, so it seemed I was motionless in space. But I kept up the acceleration, and worked to increase that rate.
One thing happened that helped me to realize how fast I was going: I saw a small, dark object ahead of me. In an instant, it grew to about a million times my size into a ragged, pock-marked asteroid, and accelerated as it passed me. Instinctively I ducked as it streaked silently and gracefully over my head, turning on its axis ever so slowly. It wasn’t necessary to duck, as I was in spirit form. But . . . old habits! As I looked back, it shrunk as quickly as it had grown, soon became a speck, then disappeared.
After what seemed half an hour of more acceleration, I looked at the stars, and they . . . were . . . about the same.
I settled into a mental program of improving my acceleration, while relaxing. Relaxing my mind, that is. I had no physical body, so I didn’t need to relax that. But I felt that relaxing my mind would help to focus my concentration better on the program of constant and improved acceleration. So I managed to do all this for the space of several days.
By now, the stars were definitely bigger -- not the stars themselves, but the circle they formed.
After two more days, the circle of stars had enlarged, and the two I was to pass through were at my 11 o’clock, and my 1 o’clock. The one to the right of that one was at about 2 o’clock, and was not moving, like my 1 o’clock was. It must have been further back. After a few more days, the 1 o’clock star moved beyond the 2 o’clock, and eventually moved close to the 3 o’clock star. This closest star, the one moving around my “clock,” was still the same size as before, except it was much brighter, now.
After four more days of even faster speed because of constant acceleration, the circle of stars was now a spattering of stars around me; some still in front, a couple behind me, and others at varying degrees from me right and left.
The 2 o’clock star stayed put, but was quite bright, now. In another month, it was the brightest star to my front, and had some body to it!
After a while, I saw that it was elongated. In another three weeks, as I put less space dust between me and it, something incredible happened: I saw that it was a galaxy, but I was only seeing its core, until now. What at first was dim and only a hint of form on each side of the core quickly grew in intensity, until the great arms of a spiral galaxy appeared before me, stretching from my 1 o’clock to my 3 o’clock! It was tipped up toward me at a 45-degree angle from my path line, showing off it’s glory and majesty!
I slowed my acceleration, even though I knew I was going to be here a while, even at top speed. I could hardly contain my excitement at being able to view such a sight!
I looked back to see if I could see the galaxy I had just left, but it was not much more than a strong “milky way,” being in line with all the space dust. The one in front of me was above the plain of dust, therefore gloriously visible!
It looked like it could have been as close as an arm’s-length away, a small puffy swirl of crystallized sugar: glittering cotton candy. I reached out to “touch it,” enjoying a thrill at the possibility of feeling something. Or I could even envision it twenty feet away as it became a frozen spiral of sparkling sand and glass.
The further away I pictured it, the larger it became. Picturing it a million light years away -- which is about what it was -- made it look wondrously enormous, the largest “living” entity I had ever seen.
I continued onward toward it, though there was no visual evidence of my movement. Before long an angel came up to me. I suspected that he was traveling quite fast toward the galaxy as well, or he would have been a million-mile-long white streak above my head for a millionth of a second.
The angel said, “That galaxy is not your final destiny.”
I responded, “I see; so I’ve strayed from the path again?”
“Do not pretend ignorance. You know of a surety that you have strayed.” He pointed to a black area to my left. “You should go deep enough into that space until you cannot see any of this universe.”
“Okay; uh . . . what’s out there?”
“Your destiny, Hannejan. Your destiny is out there.”
“Yes. Of course. The way you put it makes it a little more . . . clear, now. But if my calculations are correct, it will probably take a million years before you guys disappear on me.”
“You have within you, power and authority. Use them.”
“Power? How long have I had power and authority? What do they do?”
“Being the offspring of Eldu, you have always had them, but in embryo form. Your experience and integrity have enlarged your power and authority.”
As I thought about this, he continued, “You have used your powers to accelerate, to come this far. Now, you can combine your experience with your intelligence to enhance them, and gain all authority. Your authority will give you control over the elements. Also, I will now give you an impression of the final value.”
He put two fingers near my head. After he lowered them, I asked, “What’s a final value?”
“This will give you the final push toward your destiny, which final value you know not. Therefore, continue on.”
I looked at him for a while, then said, “Is there an instruction manual that comes with this . . . authority thing?”
“You can combine your experience with your intelligence to . . .”
We did a duet as I helped him finish: “‘. . . to enhance it, and gain all authority.’ I think I got it, now! The way you said it that second time made it . . . like . . . sink in more.” I nodded. “Yes; I do have it in here, now. Thank you.” I looked beyond him at the large galaxy, still overwhelmed by its majesty. I said, “That’s quite a picture, isn’t it?”
The angel didn’t look at it. He only continued gazing into my eyes and nodded gravely.
I asked, “Do sights like that do something to you? Or are you all . . . used to it?”
He continued looking at me and said, formally, “It is the handiwork of Eldu. All his creations bring awe and inspiration, even from the tiniest mite.”
I raised my eyebrows. “You made small talk! I’m impressed!”
“I am allowed to glorify Eldu by remembering his creations.”
I thought a moment, then asked, “Am I allowed to glorify Eldu? But if I end up in outer darkness, and there are none of his creations out there, how can I glorify him?”
“You are a creation of Eldu.”
After a pause, I said, “Can you tell me . . . . what’s . . . . the curse of a thousand days under an angel’s sword?”
He made a gesture that signalled the end of our conversation. As he receded from my view, he said, “you will find out soon enough.”
In the absence of the angel, I continued gazing at the galaxy, pondering all that had just happened: I was told I had power and authority, and that I could enhance them. That had to mean something. Something promising.
My mind went from one extreme to the other, imagining the worst, and then the best. It was a bit nerve-racking, not knowing my fate, if spiritual nerves can be racked.
But, even so, I turned toward “my destiny,” and headed for that ominous dark spot in space, knowing that if I didn’t, I would most likely get another visit by one of those dramatically serious angels.
I said to myself, “Okay; turn up the speed; we are going . . . that-a-way.”
Nothing happened. Nothing different, anyway, as far as I could tell.
After pondering over what the angel said, I thought about the elements, physics, and intelligence. I thought about established paradigm, and how it can influence behavior, especially if the behavior does not involve climbing out of that mindset. So I said to myself, “Travel a hundred times faster than what you’re doing now.”
Amazingly, I saw the galaxy to my right move a bit! The closer part moved faster than the further part. It was fascinating to see a galaxy change like this. I put on more of a will to accelerate, and it moved even further behind me!
So this was power and authority!
Even though I regretted leaving that beautiful galaxy behind, I accelerated even more, until it shrunk quickly into the haze that I now perceived as the known universe. The universe gradually became more clear as I exited it, evidently because there was no dust around me to obscure it; I was entering into a vast void of nothingness.
As I moved out of the universe, its light formed a vertical horizon to my right, and to my left. The horizon line also circled above me, and below me.
The further I traveled, the more definite and even the horizon line became, but it did not shrink. That is, I did not seem to be putting any distance between me and it.
I willed even more speed, concentrating for hours. When I looked back, the horizons above me and below me had warped. I turned my back to the unknown ahead of me so I could watch what was happening behind. As I continued to rocket at inconceivable speeds away from the known universe, it began to shrink vertically. And after eight days, I noticed that the ends of this vast cloud of galaxies and galaxy clusters had visibly moved away from the points perpendicular to my trajectory.
All these changes were not discernable. That is, I saw no motion, just as you would see no motion in the hour hand of a clock, but you would notice, after a few minutes, that it had moved a little.
Even at this rate, I knew it would take a long time for the universe to become a dot. After that, it would probably require that same amount of distance ten times over -- maybe more -- to disappear, for there seemed to be nothing at all out here -- no dust, no hydrogen, nothing at all: nothing to block even the tiniest ray of light. I wasn’t sure I could endure so many millennia of doing nothing but traveling.
Therefore, during the days and weeks that followed, my mind began to ponder alternative plans. The angel did mention that I had power over the elements, and that I could enhance it with my intelligence. He even said it twice.
Was traveling from Point A to Point B a type of element? Or, if, in my travels, I started out slow and gradually increased in speed, perhaps that meant that I had to overcome something that prevented the instant achievement of top speed. And why not? -- for the only thing that prevented instant top speed was inertia, which thing I was free of, for I was an intelligence, a being with no dimension. Perhaps the thing I had to overcome was an “element” over which I had some type of control.
Even another possibility came into my mind: Perhaps travel did not need to be achieved in a contiguous passage mode. In other words, perhaps I could jump from one point to another. In this realm, what law existed that negated this method?
After pondering this for a while, I tried to imagine the distance between me and the vast universe I had just left. Next, I imagined a point in my mind’s eye that was twice that distance. I willed myself to jump that gap.
It was time for another incredible surge of joy and satisfaction, for the universe blinked, and was about half the size it was before!
After I came down from this spiritual high, I willed myself to stop moving, for a certain idea came into my mind, and I could not resist the temptation to put that idea to the test: I willed myself to be in front of that same galaxy that had found me at the edge of the universe.
Suddenly, it appeared before me!
After I took a few spiritual fits of absolute euphoria, and calmed down, I said to the empty space around me, “Why didn’t you tell me I could do this? That’s why I asked if you had a manual!”
I willed myself to a position in line with the plane of the galaxy, and saw the gash of nothingness gouging out the mid-plane stars, caused by the interstellar dust and debris that most galaxies carried.
Again, I willed myself to return to the point I had been occupying just seconds before, out there in the blackness of nothingness. Sure enough, the known universe was again a small oval disc, its two ends about 30 degrees apart. I willed myself even twice that distance, and the universe stretched only a few degrees from one end to the other.
With the dim hope that someday I might be able to find my way back if things became unbearable, I made the last few projections that put me completely away from the known universe. The dot had turned to a dim flicker, the flicker to a suggestion, and then to nothing at all.
I now gave new definition to the term “Alone.”
I moved ahead, to see if there was another universe waiting for me. When nothing happened, I willed myself to project a few more giant hops further away, just in case something was waiting there.
Nothing.
To give the powers that be a chance to cool down and feel sorry for me, I waited for about five years, doing nothing but meditate and vegetate in my mind. In this condition, time did not seem to mean anything. But nothing happened after that five-year period.
In my previous lives, I had heard the term “outer darkness” used for the final reward of the least faithful.
Well, here I was: Outer Darkness.

But something wasn’t right.
This wasn’t right.
Eldu had always been painted to be a being full of love, by his own prophets and loved ones. How could someone so full of love put someone like me, someone who couldn’t stand to see suffering, into outer darkness for the rest of eternity?
I, with less ability to love, could not do this even to my worst enemy. I may let him sit out here for a few decades, and let him worry and fester, but as I can’t stand to see suffering, I couldn’t let it happen for eternity!
I wondered what would happen if I made another quick visit to the known universe, now that I knew how to travel instantly. Perhaps someone there forgot to give me final instructions. Maybe because I was making “small talk” with that angel I distracted him, and made him forget to tell me how to proceed with existence.
I made the few hops that would put me in contact with the known universe.
There was still blackness around me.
So I hopped a few more times.
Nothing.
I knew I had traveled the total distance I had come, maybe more. So why had I not arrived? Or why couldn’t I see a point of light somewhere around me?
I moved up, down, sideways, behind me and ahead of me. Still, no luck.
I was lost.
It hit me, now, something the angel had said, that I didn’t understand at first: He said he was giving me the final value impression, which final value I would not know. This means “my destiny” could be a million times further out than what I thought! And even if I did manage to travel all the way back, but strayed just a half a degree off course, I could miss my target by trillions of light years.
I was feeling very uneasy again. Perhaps, by coming back, I had done what that other angel had warned me about: maybe I lost the few choices I had.
I hurried back to what I imagined to be my designated spot, and fretted over what I was going to suffer, now.
It then hit me, that perhaps I was supposed to suffer. During the previous five years of just waiting, I wasn’t suffering. In fact, the vegetative rest was refreshing to my soul, after having lived so many lives full of worry and sorrow.
So I moaned out a prayer: “Eldu, I’m sorry for whatever I did to cause this state I am in. I will suffer, or do whatever is necessary to purge the rebellion and evil within me, so that I can at least have something to look at for the rest of eternity.”
I continued to fret, playing out my role as a sufferer. Five more years passed while in this state. These five turned into ten.
The ten then gave way to 20, then 30, then 40 years!
As each year passed, my pangs of loneliness grew more intense. Ever since my cursing, and during my banishment, I had harbored a breath of hope that someone would have mercy on me, and let me back in. But now, the idea that I was out here permanently became a stark reality, with no way back.
With no matter at all out here, this loss of hope turned my whole existence into a terrible silence: I was now in a new dimension that did not understand sound! I was an inconceivable distance from “home,” and I felt cold, even though a spirit cannot feel temperatures.
I did not know what awaited me, but I nevertheless felt that all I knew -- people bathing in sound, color, music, happiness, laughter -- was back there, getting ready for “eternal rest,” forgetting completely about me.
I easily wrote a poem in my mind:

Why did it happen, this thing called “Me?”
Why did I live, the wonders to see?
Why did I laugh, and why did I cry?
My dreams were a farce, my hopes a lie.
To what end did I hone my love?
Why remember the ladydove?
Spilled! my experience earned with tears,
And on empty eternity it disappears.

Joronel was right: I had the edge on poetry over loss!
But no one to share it with!

Now that I was in sad poetry mode, I thought of the poems Lenazuree had inspired.
Then I remembered the big IF: In the world where I was her teacher from a foreign country, she had asked me, “Where, in your country, might be a good place to live . . . if I could come to stay?”
For her, that was a big IF, and a tragic one, for her life was abruptly taken before she had a chance to travel.
Years later, I put that question into a poem, then I turned the tables, switched roles, then asked my big IF:

. . . Oh, that she’d hear, this message I’d bear:
“Time has not dimmed my love.
Once I taught thee, now teach thou me --
Teach me thy ways above.

“Teach me, I ask, what wisdom thou hast;
Now it’s my turn to learn.
And . . . which cloud is best for Eternal Rest --
If Heaven I should earn?
. . . If Heaven I should earn . . .”

Yes, now it was my turn to suffer the fatal IF, for I never earned Heaven, and never had a chance for my Lenazuree to show me where both of us might live . . . together.
The poem ended with

Passed your way there? -- this maiden so fair,
Princes would follow behind.

That last phrase was written as a statement of my fear of losing her to someone more noble.
How prophetic! How tragically prophetic, for certainly one of those princes was with her, now.

After these forty-five years in outer darkness, my loss of hope was complete. It was replaced with the depression of soul, if you can call it that -- or perhaps a mental break-down. I was finally accepting the fact that perhaps this, indeed, was my final reward.
Whatever I was entering into now -- depression or breakdown, or both -- I knew it would be easy to endure: Once you don’t care, it’s smooth gliding and floating from there, on. I had experienced this condition in some of my previous lives, and during those times I remember -- or in retrospect I could now see -- that I had invited such a shut-down so to feel free of pain. This shut-down automatically came with something else: a wonderful feeling of floating through life, completely free of responsibility, completely immune to the problems of the world, completely protected in a 90-foot bubble from any type of emotional pain or suffering. It was like a powerful drug had numbed me. Any attempt to think or make a decision was out of the question, because it would force me out of that state. I was essentially a vegetable, and I enjoyed that feeling.
So now, I sank readily into that depressive state.
And there I stayed for a thousand years!